‘I love him… he promised marriage’: NPA on why women return to abusive relationships
· Citizen
In a country plagued by domestic violence, which in some cases leads to femicide, the National Prosecuting Authority (NPA) has highlighted the extent of the problem and how women in these situations can be assisted.
On Wednesday, the NPA hosted a webinar on domestic violence in collaboration with the department of justice and constitutional development, the KwaZulu-Natal (KZN) provincial government, the Medical Research Council of South Africa and Lifeline.
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Samantha Willan, GBV research manager at the Medical Research Council, shared some findings from the organisation’s study, painting a complex picture of domestic violence in South Africa.
The organisation spoke to about 10 000 women in eThekwini, Gauteng, Limpopo and the Western Cape.
“We’ve heard from a lot of women about their experiences and these are women experiencing severe violence,” Willan said.
“We’re talking from the coercion, the controlling behaviour, the stalking where she is all the time, through to extreme physical and sexual violence and, unfortunately, even some cases of femicide. So these are women experiencing extreme violence.
“They were still in these violent relationships when we recruited them [for the study], or it’s just ended, he’s stalking her and she’s still afraid.”
According to Willan, 20% of these women had never considered leaving their abusive partners, while 44% thought about leaving, but never got around to doing so.
Only 35% of women were in a position to leave these relationships and they did. However, 80% returned to their relationships.
“We found that of the women who left and returned, 37% of those women left and returned and left three or more times again. Those women who do leave: a large percentage of them return, leave, return, leave, return, and leave. That’s the pattern we’re working with. So we need to be thinking about that when we’re doing our interventions,” said Willan.
Why women return to abusive relationships
Some of the women who returned to their abusive partners did it for their children. They felt their children needed their fathers in their lives.
“They returned to the severely abusive partner, man, father, so that the children could have a relationship. And when we asked them to tell us more about it. We heard women saying things like, ‘My children need their father. They need that relationship. I didn’t grow up with a father, and I don’t want my children experiencing that’. So this notion of the importance of having a father is overwhelming,” Willan said.
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About 51% of the women who returned to abusive relationships did it for love.
“Love is huge. Love and romance. ‘We return because of love and romance and hope’. Some 55% went back because they were hopeful. ‘He said he would change, so I went back. He said he would marry me, so I went back’. And that hope that something is different, 55% people, then that is a reason for returning.
“Interestingly, we asked whether you enjoyed sex with him. Was that a reason for returning? 28% of women went back because they enjoyed sex with him. So we thought, okay, that’s important. We need to explore that.”
Finances were also an important reason why women returned to abusive relationships, with 23% returning because they couldn’t afford to look after themselves and sometimes their children.
“But as we see, it’s about the father being involved, it’s about loving him and hoping he’s changing. Those really are the big factors.”
Stigma
Stigma also played a role, with communities shaming women for leaving abusive relationships.
“We found that 65% said they were often publicly humiliated for leaving a relationship. So think about the people who leave and go back. You leave, you’re humiliated for leaving. What’s it going to do for the family? What is the community going to say?
“What are people going to say? 70% of women said that they were told that it would give the family a bad reputation if they left.
“And 60% of women said if they left, people blamed them and said, ‘ What are you doing to the children?’ So women in these relationships, severely violent relationships, their options are so limited. And if they act on these options, will they think about leaving?
“They have to deal with the stigma. Society, community, and family place on them. So the numbers speak volumes. And I think that when we start translating these into numbers, you’ll understand how dire this problem is. But it’s not a situation where there’s no hope.”
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The webinar urged women to report abuse to the police and simultaneously obtain protection orders from the courts. Those who witness abuse have been urged to report it on the next person’s behalf, abandoning the notion of minding your own business.
“Any adult person has an obligation to report domestic violence committed against a child, committed against a person who has a disability, and also against an elderly person. The report is made to a social worker, or you report to a member of the South African Police Service at the police station.”