The Internet Is a Godless, Hysterical Place, Week #72

· Vice

Welcome to RATED AND SLATED, the column that’s terminally online so you don’t have to be.

Digital literacy is going to hell. Someone out there needs to redeem the growing army of boomer “screenagers,” so I’m going to start preaching at food courts and malls, gathering up the retirees as they sodcast AI slop on their leather-encased iPads at full volume.

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I’m going to do that by reading these RATED AND SLATED columns aloud, giving them the “absolute good truth shit that every1 has been waiting to hear in this sea of lying crap nonsense.” My new followers will be wowed by these sermons, completely unaware that I’m just recycling old @dril jokes.

After I’ve led them out of the darkness of anthropomorphic fruit drama and assorted memecoin freaks, I’ll inevitably be hanged from the cross.

And when I ask, “My God, why have you forsaken me?” a blurred photograph of Jack Nicholson will appear in the sky, and loudly intone that “theres actually zero difference between good & bad things. you imbecile. you fucking moron.”

Preach. 

RATED AND SLATED

GAT-GPT

There’s a vibe-coder somewhere asking AI for a 3D-printed version of “The Culture.” He’s hoping once he has it no one will be able to laugh at him when he uses the term “gat.” Until then, better stick with “firearm” or “projectile-launching device”—that 3D-printed grill ain’t fooling anyone.

COFFEE AND CONTEMPLATION IN THE TESLA CYBERCAB

Freed of the psychic burden of driving his own car, this modern-day Zen master has nothing to distract him from his important work of meditating on the nature of existence. Watch him contemplate the mysteries of the universe while sipping milky coffee from a plastic cup. See him become one with the infinite, while fondling his smart phone. This is a spiritual teacher we should all follow; if we’re lucky, he’ll launch an OnlyFans with more premium foot content. 

HUMANOID ROBOT CUTTING A CUCUMBER WITH A KNIFE

From the way he’s shaking, I can only guess this guy is making those little triangular cheese and cucumber sandwiches for the actual Queen of England, and if he doesn’t do a good job, he’ll be sent to work for her idiot son rearranging his pathetic teddy bear collection. And if he doesn’t do a good job, he’ll be sent to work for his perverted financier friend making videos on his private island. And if he doesn’t do a good job, he’ll become an anonymous FBI tip which is never fully investigated. Admit it, you’d be nervous too.

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‘THE DEEP-FRIED ZOOMER EQUIVALENT OF THE MILLENNIAL HYPEBEAST AESTHETIC’

The doorman had clearly never heard of ball hog as he threw me out of the club for not respecting the “dress code.” He must not have clocked the Hedi Slimane-era Saint Laurent sweatshirt and Nicolas Ghesquière-era Balenciaga sneakers, as I was forcibly returned to the nearest tent city. And now the fent zombies are circling, I’m thinking that maybe I should have kept schtum about this fit being worth ten bands.

WEST END GIRL-INSPIRED BUTT PLUG

While performing her recent break-up record, Lily Allen was criticized for refusing to talk to the audience, but that’s because she believes in letting her art speak for itself. Case in point: this new West End Girl-inspired butt plug. The message here is clear, revenge is a dish best served with a viral marketing campaign including an official sex-toy partner. 

VR FISHING

There’s no armed standoff so intense it couldn’t be brought to a peaceful end with a copy of Real Fishing VR and a roast chicken, and a few cans of lager. I’ve got my dressing gown on and I’m headed to the police cordon as soon as I’ve finished this 14th line of cocaine. 

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3 SMALL MERCIES

‘NEVER MISS INFORMATION’

I’ve been training myself in sleep deprivation and shower refusal in preparation for the release of Grand Theft Auto VI, so I’m already struggling to tell where my life ends and the video game begins, and these billboards really aren’t helping. I’ve had 15 minutes’ sleep in the past week but somehow I’ve managed to get a promotion; that’s right, you’re looking at the new anchor of Weazel News.  

ROBERT PATTINSON’S ZYN ADDICTION

With enough nicotine, anyone can become an actor. The first time I tried snus, I immediately performed a lengthy monologue for my unsuspecting audience (a Norwegian techno DJ who’d just sold me magic mushrooms), which came to an abrupt end when I had to rush to the bathroom to perform another (equally intense) delivery. On my return, I was told that I’d taken the lowest dose on public sale, which was still so powerful that I spent the whole night wandering the streets of Oslo silently rehearsing my Oscar acceptance speech.

THE CHICKEN MAN

The Rock’s attempts to shift away from blockbuster action hero by becoming “the Chicken Man” left him completely unprepared for what happened in Philly last night. I can’t believe they blew him up and, if that wasn’t bad enough, they blew up his house too. I’m sorry Bruce Springsteen, we should have listened when you tried to warn us.

Follow Adam on Instagram @yungtolstoi

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